What is Grief?

"Grief is reaching out for someone who's always been there, only to find when you need them the most, one last time, they're gone."

Grief is a natural emotion that follows the death of someone dear to you and it hurts. It is like an open wound which must heal.

Anyone can experience grief and loss; however, individuals are unique in how they experience this event. Grief, itself, is a normal and natural response to loss.

It is important to acknowledge and allow the grief to happen because it promotes the healing process. Grief can impact your body, thoughts, and emotions. Although each person can have very different experiences of grief, some common reactions are:

Body:

• Pit in the stomach
• Nausea
• Tightness in the chest
• Tightness in the throat
• Oversensitivity to noise
• A surreal feeling
• Breathlessness
• Muscle weakness
• Lack of energy

Thoughts:

• Disbelief (it can't be true)
• Confusion (trouble keeping thoughts straight)
• Preoccupation (thinking very often about him or her)
• Sense of presence (seems like he or she is still here)
• Thinking you see or hear him or her

Emotions:

• Guilt and self-blame
• Anxiety/Fear
• Anger
• Loneliness
• Fatigue
• Helplessness
• Shock
• Yearning for the lost person
• Numbness

These grief reactions may contribute to crying, trouble sleeping, a change in appetite, absent mindedness, social withdrawal, dreams and nightmares, avoid reminders, and try to stay busy. Expect that you will have ups and downs from day to day.

When grief doesn’t go away

It’s normal to feel sad, numb, or angry following a loss. But as time passes, these emotions should become less intense as you accept the loss and start to move forward. If you aren’t feeling better over time, or your grief is getting worse, it may be a sign that your grief has developed into a more serious problem, such as complicated grief or major depression.

Coping with grief and loss tip #1: Get support

The single most important factor in healing from loss is having the support of other people. Even if you aren’t comfortable talking about your feelings under normal circumstances, it’s important to express them when you’re grieving. Sharing your loss makes the burden of grief easier to carry. Wherever the support comes from, accept it and do not grieve alone. Connecting to others will help you heal.

Turn to friends and family members – Now is the time to lean on the people who care about you, even if you take pride in being strong and self-sufficient. Draw loved ones close, rather than avoiding them, and accept the assistance that’s offered. Oftentimes, people want to help but don’t know how, so tell them what you need.

Draw comfort from your faith – If you follow a religious tradition, embrace the comfort its mourning rituals can provide. Spiritual activities that are meaningful to you such as praying, meditating, or going to church can offer solace. If you’re questioning your faith in the wake of the loss, talk to a clergy member or others in your religious community.

Talk to a grief counselor – If your grief feels like too much to bear even with the support of others, call a professional counselor. An experienced counselor can help you work through intense emotions and overcome obstacles to your grieving.

Coping with grief and loss tip #2: Take care of yourself

When you’re grieving, it’s so important to take care of yourself. The stress of a major loss can quickly deplete you. Looking after your physical and emotional needs will help you get through this difficult time. Face your feelings. You can try to suppress your grief, but you can’t avoid it forever. In order to heal, you have to acknowledge the pain. Trying to avoid feelings of sadness and loss only prolongs the grieving process. Unresolved grief can also lead to depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and health problems. Express your feelings in a tangible or creative way. Write about your loss in a journal. If you’ve lost a loved one, write a letter saying the things you never got to say; make a scrapbook or photo album celebrating the person’s life; or get involved in a cause or organization that was important to him or her.

Look after your physical health. The mind and body are connected. When you feel good physically, you’ll also feel better emotionally. Combat stress and fatigue by getting enough sleep, eating right, and exercising. Don’t use alcohol or drugs to numb the pain of grief or lift your mood artificially. Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel, and don’t tell yourself how to feel either. Your grief is your own, and no one else can tell you when it’s time to “move on” or “get over it.” Let yourself feel whatever you feel without embarrassment or judgment. It’s okay to be angry, to yell at the heavens, to cry or not to cry. It’s also okay to laugh, to find moments of joy, and to let go when you’re ready. Plan ahead for grief “triggers”.

Anniversaries, holidays, and milestones can reawaken memories and feelings. Be prepared for an emotional wallop, and know that it’s completely normal. If you’re sharing a holiday or lifecycle event with other relatives, talk to them ahead of time about their expectations and agree on strategies to honor the person you loved.